Heal Within with Dr. Evette Rose

Love Without Trauma: Creating Safe, Authentic Connection + Meditation

• Dr. Evette Rose • Season 15 • Episode 20

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Can love truly exist without pain, fear, or old wounds resurfacing?
 It’s a question that can feel both hopeful and confronting — especially when we’ve carried unhealed patterns into our relationships.

In this episode, I open up about what it really means to experience love without trauma — how to build safety, authenticity, and genuine connection, both with yourself and others. You’ll also be guided through a gentle healing meditation to help your heart, body, and nervous system remember what safe love feels like.

✨ One breath. One step. One breakthrough at a time.

With love,
 Dr. Evette Rose

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Speaker:

Welcome to Heal Within. Here with me, Dr. Evette Rose, trauma therapist and also creator of Metaphysical Anatomy Technique. And remember that this podcast is your safe place to explore emotional healing, nervous system repair, and also deep inner transformation. And also, if you are ready to go deeper and you would like to be supported on your journey, you can always book a one-on-one session with me or any of my certified metapsychology coaching practitioners. You can also join our upcoming life healing events and workshops or retreats at metaphysicalanatomy.com. And now let's begin your journey back to wholeness, one breath and one breakthrough at a time. And I wholeheartedly welcome you here today to our episode, Love Without Trauma, creating that safe, authentic connection. You see, when I designed the title of this episode, it it kind of ever so slightly even also provoked me a little bit. I mean, it sounds quite intimidating. It really sounds intimidating to believe that we can have love without trauma. You know, given that so many people have unresolved wounds, and then we step into a relationship with these wounds, and we find ourselves going over and over again where we're in cycles where we get stuck and someone is triggering that painful wound from the past, maybe with a parent. Maybe we're bringing old relationship stress and unresolved challenges, also maybe into a new relationship. We sometimes forget to take the old partner's face out of the equation and realize that there's maybe a new person standing in front of us with new values, new behavioral patterns. And this is something that I myself have been, you know, I've I've been in these cycles as well. I'm not going to be preaching to the choir here, that I absolutely can assure you. And what one of my greatest challenges were, it wasn't necessarily as per se an unwillingness or a fear of healing my blocks, which some of us might have. And I've been through those phases as well. But when I started to come through some of these phases, I kept finding myself just going back and back and back to the same patterns, the same outcomes, sometimes in different ways. That is where I got stuck. And I realized that that missing key, that missing point for me during these phases, during these transitions, were actually lack of awareness. It was lack of awareness on my part of these wounds. Okay, well, if I feel this way, why is that? If I feel this way, what do I need to adjust? What do I need to look at further? Where do I need to go deeper? Because I don't know if you can relate, but sometimes when we are in a relationship and we are triggered, emotions feel so big, they feel so great that it pulls you in. It completely absorbs you and it absorbed me as well. We get into that trigger reactive state. And then we find ourselves just going over and over again in these cycles, and these cycles become loops, they become a part of our lifestyle. I find, and especially for me, when there were things that I felt stuck with and I couldn't let it go or I didn't know what to do with it. It's almost like there's a part of us just kind of like just passively accepts it. Like we don't want to, and it's not a full embracing acceptance. It's for me, in my experience, it was more like a little bit of a surrendering passive, like, well, I'm tired, I don't know what to do with this anymore. So I'm just kind of like going to ignore it and see if it just goes away. Let's just see if it goes away. And I've I have so been there. It it this is I I'm laughing because I it's it's been such a process. It's been such a process. And I'm thankful that I can speak so openly about it because no one is above relationship challenges, no one is above having problems or um heartbreak or trigger reactions. It it's just it's it's a part of life. But just because it's a part of life doesn't mean that our pain has to become a way of life. Pain's always going to be there. Triggers are always going to be there. People that are not always in alignment or fully on board with the way that you see certain things, they're always going to be there. So what that means is that that that pain activation and the stress that we feel in relationship to relationships. It's always going to be there. And what I realize is that I was maybe pushing back a little bit on developing full awareness as to the pain that I was feeling, but more so to the reason why. Because I felt like I have been through so much, I have done so much, and now I have to keep digging deeper. And every time when I dig deeper, I go into it with the mindset of what is next, what else is wrong? Why might am I not responding the way that I want to, or probably know that I should. What else is broken in me? And that was quite that was a big breakthrough because I kept revening, you know, remincing over these questions again and again. And every time when I did it, I felt worse. I felt so bad. I'm thinking, goodness, I don't want to keep going back into my life and thinking what is wrong. Because if you go into your body or into your mind or into your life with an attitude and the intention to find what is wrong, your body in the universe is going to go, you want to know what's wrong? No problem. And it gives you this pile of lists of stuff and emotions and an outpour of sensations. And you're overwhelmed by it because now I'm thinking, My goodness, I started out with an intention, and now I'm feeling I'm looking at a mountain of problems. You see, I realize that it's one thing to have an awareness of what our challenges are, but the intention that we adapt to, to move into and through these challenges, is going to make this a very painful experience or a very potentially graceful experience. If you go into learning and understanding how can I create safe love in a relationship, and you go into that with that, you know, we have that thought, we have that desire, we have that intention, but now our wounds don't align with that intention. This is going to be hard work. It's gonna be hard work. That's why you always hear a lot of people say, marriages are hard work. And let me or relationships are hard work. Let me tell you, they are, but it doesn't always have to be hard work. And one thing that I found that really helped to come back to that place of safety, to come back to that place of graceful alignment is number one, the intention that you approach a problem with when you are triggered in a relationship. So every time when I find myself in the trigger or in the conflict, I immediately say, okay, my intention is to resolve this gracefully and to understand what's going on. Instead of flying into it and I need to be heard, here is my opinion, you're not listening to me. That intention, and also when gracefully expressed, can really bring the other person on board. It really can bring the other person on board because indirectly your intention is establishing and stating, well, I'm not feeding this gasoline to fight anymore. I'm now opening up a space to understand what is going on, and sometimes what I realized is we can have this approach, it can work really well, but then there's a second element to it, a second element that took me quite a few years to understand and realize why I was there. Why is it that I created so many relationships with so many intentions and positive intentions, consciously walking into it, stepping into it, applying so much what I had learned. I learned the most valuable and vital lesson. Are you ready? The lesson that I learned was when I walk into a relationship, we we create relationships because we have needs. Sometimes we, of course, there's genuine love, but there can also be different elements. And the element for me that really stood out was I attracted a certain relationship where that person fulfilled a very deep wound, an unmet need that I had, so much so that I overlooked the red flags. You see, that person fulfilled, if I look at my healed self now, that person fulfilled five percent of what I was lacking and longing for. But at the time, I was lacking it so much that that five percent felt like the 95%. And so when I received it, I was like, wow, this is it, this is the ultimate relationship, and I brew myself into it, and then when that 95% wounded percent or perceived, false perceived percent was being fulfilled, and I started having that emotional need met, everything fizzled out so fast, so fast that it went back to being the 95%, and I realized this person is sitting in the 95% mark of what I don't really want or relate to or need or want or even are attracted to because that false 5% that became the 95% was so strong, it was so powerful that I couldn't see clearly what was going on. I was completely, you know, pulled into all these positive emotions, and then when I started to heal that, that is when clarity came in, the veil dropped, and everything was now clear. And what was interesting, this was quite, I mean, it just shows you how the universe sometimes works because it was the same for that other person. I was also the false 95%, which when from a heal perspective only became the 5%, and so we actually mutually just grew apart, we mutually grew apart, and it was a very graceful ending and separation, but I acknowledge that it's not going to be the case for everyone else. Sometimes one person heals, and then they the veil drops, and they understand and see what could have been going on. I'm not saying this is the case for all relationships, but this is absolutely one powerful element that I learned about how to create a loving relationship without trauma, creating that safe, authentic connection. And that lesson that I learned was very strong, it was a powerful connection that I made within myself. Because after that, the next relationship, I was very conscious, very clear in what I wanted. I looked at my wounded responses, I looked at my wounded needs, and I made sure that they were not dominating. I made sure that my common sense and my common logic and what the healed part of me also wanted, and that there was a really graceful balance between the two. And when I started to approach a relationship from that perspective, that was a game changer for me. A complete, utter game changer. Very powerful. Because lack of awareness of these wounds, this this is this is problematic because this is where we tend to continue to stay in that place of pain. We stay in that place of pain because when we look at our past, trauma wires our nervous system. It wires it to relate to and to feel familiar with certain behavioral patterns, certain emotional responses, certain environments. But it doesn't mean it's because it feels safe, it feels familiar, that it's actually safe in a healthy definition, in a healthy, familiar definition. Now, what is even a healthy definition of safety and familiarity? Something that doesn't cause you emotional distress and emotional psychological harm. Right? That's really important. And what we end up doing because of this programming is that instead of love, we often act out of fear. We either act out of avoidance, control, people pleasing, overly needing, overly being dependent on getting something specific from a person because we lacked it so much in our childhood that when we finally get it, it feels like the it feels like this incredible explosion of just euphoria. And then we hook onto that euphoria and we look for that euphoria again and again and again in that relationship, but we're never able to get back to that euphoria because that need was met because of an incredible lack, of such a deep lack. And this is where and how people sometimes can get hooked into and stuck in unhealthy relationships. They're looking for that euphoria, and they're not getting it. Or maybe they get it, but in small amounts and drips and draps, but sometimes just enough to keep that person hooked into a very unhealthy relationship. And this is where our attachment styles can it can play a really big role, right? That secure versus that insecure attachment, you know, anxious, avoidant, disorganized attachment. Because old trauma, it can reinforce these insecure attachment styles. And this is what can make it feel so much harder to find our place of safety, to find that love without trauma within. You see, love begins when we start to understand these patterns instead of attacking them, instead of judging them, instead of making them wrong. What am I doing wrong? Right? We touched on this in the beginning, and we're coming full circle. It's about really, truly finding that place of safe love. When we start to understand our patterns, instead of going into it, oh, what did I do wrong? Oh, what is next? Oh, this, oh, that. Go into it with an intention and with a mindset. Number one, what am I actually doing right? What can I improve? This is more a constructive approach to yourself, a more constructive question to ask to that wounded part of you. Because now we're in solution mode, we're not in problem-seeking mode. It's hard to feel solution-oriented or to feel that there's hope when all that you see are problems, right? You see how that splits the powerful difference between you, your intention, and the outcome. Because when we look at the role of co-regulation, if we rely on an unhealthy partner to co-regulate us, you can already see how that also feeds into this block that we might feel to creating safe love and love without trauma in a relationship. Because relationships are not about fixing yourself for the other person or fixing yourself to becoming the best partner. When you work on yourself and you work on yourself for you, that self-love that you tap into, that that that authentic confidence that you that you ease into, that becomes attractive all in itself to someone else, to the right person, where you can be the healthy version of you and not feel locked into old trauma and patterns because that person needs you to be in these states, because that's what they were attracted to in the first place. This is where trauma bonding can be can be quite unhealthy, because two people really truly can hold one another back. Right. So this is where co-regulation can be a positive element and it can also be a negative element, depending on the foundation of the co-regulation. So, what we want to do in a relationship to start to move from being in a loving relationship with our trauma. I mean, we're always going to have patterns, we're always going to have wounds, there will always be triggers, but at least we can find a place to move into where we can start to feel more comfortable, more at ease, more safer also within ourselves. And when we look at safe love, it's not about pretending that everything is okay. It's more about honesty, it's more about vulnerability, and it's also sometimes allowing the messy to also sometimes be there in the middle. We can't always get it perfect. But one thing that I learned with my healing journey and progressing through that is authenticity for me personally speaking, this is what really truly helped me to ease back into my place of safety. But then again, we also need to feel safe to move back into that space of authenticity. So you see how these two almost come together. It's like a pair, you can't really separate them. And this is where and what I have learned, amongst many other things, but for today's specific podcast, this was quite a vital and important point that I really wanted to share with you today because I've received a lot of messages about this. So this episode is dedicated to that. So I do hope that I answered your questions. Very good. And so now, as with all my episodes, I would love to start a healing meditation with you. And so when you are ready, I invite you to take a nice deep breath. Very good. And now finding yourself in a nice comfortable position, closing your eyes and taking a nice deep slow breath. And notice as you do, as you're breathing slowly, take a nice deep breath through your nose, and then gently exhale out your mouth, and noticing as you do, imagine roots growing from your feet deep into the earth, anchoring you in safety and stability, feeling that surface also beneath your body, feeling so supported by it, and noticing as you do in that same moment, gently scan also your body from head to toe, and noticing as you do, observing how does my mind feel? How does my neck feel? How does my back feel? Scanning your body down, down, down, down, right to your face. Just simply acknowledging your body. I see you, I sense you, and I hear you. And noticing as you breathe, imagine a soft light surrounding all these areas, bringing this beautiful warmth and calmness to you. And visualize exhaling out any old heaviness, old energy that just no longer serves you. Each breath that you exhale out is releasing stress and fear and store trauma, leaving your body going, going, going, gone. Each breath in feels like a renewal of peace, love, and vitality. And placing one hand on your heart, I invite you to imagine a golden light expanding in your chest, and with each inhale, this light continues to grow and grow and grow, filling your entire body, and with each exhale, it radiates outward, touching your relationships, your past, and your future with compassion, feeling that light healing and soothing these different stages and parts of your existence, holding that strong intention that I allow love to heal me. Also, let's continue to affirm a few more positive affirmations. My body is a safe place for healing to unfold. With every breath, I release pain and I welcome peace. I am patient and gentle with myself as I heal. My nervous system knows how to regulate and restore balance. Each day I grow stronger in my body, my mind, and my spirit. I gracefully release the past and I allow myself to be open with discernment to the present moment. Love and compassion flows through me freely. I trust my body's wisdom to guide me to wholeness. Healing happens naturally when I create space for it. I am worthy of complete and lasting well-being. I listen to my body's messages with kindness and no longer fear. Peace, balance, and harmony are my natural states. And visualizing yourself now as whole, calm, and at peace. Noticing how your body starting to feel lighter. Your mind is feeling more quiet and clearer. I am safe. I'm healing. One breath at a time. One step at a time. And I invite you now to take a nice deep breath. And as you're exhaling, finding your body moving into that space of calmness and feeling even more balanced. Feeling that surface beneath your body, wiggling your fingers and your toes, giving yourself a nice big stretch. And then gently opening your eyes when you are ready and welcome back. Well done. Well done. And remember that you're not alone, you are healing one step at a time and one breath at a time. And today's affirmation is self-love and self-compassion is flowing through every single cell in my body. And remember, if this episode touched you, then please share it with someone that's also on their healing journey. And as always, breathe deep, listen within, and stay gently curious. Thank you for your love, your time, and your energy and being here with me today. I love you all. And until next time, be the light that you are. Bye for now.