How to Stop Arguing and Start Understanding + Meditation

Do small disagreements spiral faster than you expect—leaving you wondering how things got so intense so quickly? You’re not broken; your nervous system is trying to protect you.

In this episode, I explore the hidden dynamics that turn conversations into clashes—how emotional arousal, threat perception, and learned patterns hijack connection—and gentle ways to shift from reacting to truly understanding. 

I’ll also guide you through a calming meditation to help your body feel safe, your mind clear, and your heart open—so you can communicate with more steadiness and care.

✨ One breath. One step. One breakthrough at a time.

With love,
 Dr. Evette Rose

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Heal Within
• 0:56 Why Arguments Escalate So Fast
• 6:06 How Nervous System Influences Conflict
• 8:56 Practical Ways to Stop Arguments
• 14:40 Understanding Arguments as Hidden Language
• 19:59 Healing Meditation for Conflict Resolution
• 33:07 Closing Affirmations and Farewell

Transcript

Speaker: 0:06

Welcome to Heal Within. Here with me, Dr. Evette Rose, trauma therapist, and also creator of the Metaphysical Anatomy Technique. Now, this podcast is your safe space to explore emotional healing, nervous system repair, and also deep inner transformation. And if you are ready to go deeper and you would like to be supported in your journey, then you can always book a one-on-one session with me or with any of my certified metapsychology coaching practitioners. You can also join any of our upcoming live healing events, workshops, or retreats at metaphysicalanatomy.com. And now let's begin your journey back to wholeness, one breath and one breakthrough at a time. And in today's episode, we're going to dive right into arguments. Arguments, this can be a very intense and emotionally charged, and often even an experience that can really leave us wondering how did it escalate so fast? You see, it's like when we look at a couple that's arguing maybe with emotions, and these emotions, it's spiraling out of control. It's quite a familiar scene for many of us. I mean, we people argue every day. But why does this happen? And how can we stop it? Because the answer lies in understanding the psychology of conflict, as well as not just conflict in itself, but the emotional arousal that comes along with that conflict. And then the role of the nervous system and how it perceives threats. So, first let's dive right into why do arguments escalate so fast. You see, right off the bat, emotions amplify perception. And one key reason arguments can escalate is that heightened emotions can really make things feel more real, deeper, and actually quite urgent. So when we are angry, when we are maybe let's say frustrated, maybe we're hurt, or our emotional states are all acting as a signal to our brain that something really important or something threatening is actually happening now. And this is actually deeply rooted in our evolutionary programming. So let's dive right into that programming. First of all, the survival mechanisms are activated. These high emotional arousal triggers, the fight and the flight response every single time. Now, this is of course evolved, it's it's there to help to protect us from maybe immediate dangers, but in modern life, though now our brains actually often must interpret this emotional stress as a physical threat. And then on top of that, we have the emotional validation. This is when emotions are strong, they amplify our perceptions. And if we feel hurt, for instance, our brain interprets the situation almost like a like a direct attack, reinforcing the idea that the threat is actually real. And along with that, our emotional responses, it also works and runs linear with our nervous system. And this plays actually quite a it plays a really important role in how we perceive and respond to conflict. So let's look at that, that hyper arousal and also the threat, especially the threat perception. So when our nervous system is in like a like a heightened state, it's normally maybe because of unresolved trauma. Maybe there's chronic stress, that low-level stress in the background that just doesn't want to go away. It becomes hyper-vigilant. Nervous system gets frazzled. And this means that we are much more likely to see neutral and even ambiguous situations as threatening. And now trauma states also play a really big role. So for people, for example, with a past where there's a lot of unresolved trauma, their nervous system can actually stay in this persistent state of threat mode, that fight and flight. And this can start to lead to a feeling or a conscious or subconscious desire to overcorrect situations that normally otherwise might actually feel quite muchable, turning small disagreements into full-blown arguments. Now, this also comes from that nervous system that's already frazzled. I don't know if you if you have listened to my podcast episode about, I think it was when spilled coffee feels like the end of the world. That's a really good podcast to listen to if you're finding yourself also really just frazzled all the time and where little things just feel like it's it's big explosions. Now let's see and dive deeper also into how the nervous system influences this conflict. Because we know that the fight or flight response is deeply connected and involved here. So when we have arguments that escalate, it's normally because the brain perceives the situation as a threat, even if it isn't. And this activates our fight or flight response. We're going to have an increased heart rate because your body is preparing itself for maybe a fight, or you know, it's it's ready for that perceived threat, even though there's no real perceived threat around you, but the body feels it. Then we have, I don't know if you can relate, but tunnel vision, right? You focus only on the immediate problem, ignoring sometimes actually the broader context, or maybe possible solutions that could be right there, but we can't see it because we're so focused on the perceived threat. Then we have that emotional hijacking. So our prefrontal cortex, which is also responsible, you know, the prefrontal is right here at the front, responsible for um rational thinking, this takes the back seat while the amygdala, our brain sphere center, is now taking full control. And when we look at these scenarios where we are in the state of hyper-arousal, I'm sure that you've noticed that miscommunication, misinterpretation is sky high. Like just a partner's tone or facial expression can be actually misread as aggressive or dismissive and overreacting as well. Small issues become magnified because your nervous system is actually primed to respond to threats, and then those symptoms. And here I'm talking about the physical symptoms. You might experience maybe shaking, there's tension, um, it might even feel like there's a physical attack that's about to take place, and this can cause a person. Like we feel like we're almost disengaging from the conflict, like dissociating. So, and and that creates more confusion. That's why a lot of people are not able, it's almost like you feel like you lose your trail of thought. Have you ever walked away from an argument? And then you a few minutes later you sit there and you think, I should have said this, I should have said that, right? So that clarity wasn't 100% there because of this hijacking, because of the states of distress, and just focusing on what was in front of us. Now it begs the question how do we stop arguing? Because first and foremost, understanding the psychology and the physiology of conflict is actually the first step. And let's look at some practical ways, because it's important to recognize the role of our emotions, because if we can have that moment of just self-control and pause before reacting, like taking that deep breath or counting to 10, this actually helps your prefrontal cortex to regain control and it reduces the influence of the amygdala and acknowledging also your emotions, saying to yourself that you know what, I feel angry right now, but I'm also going to choose how I respond. And then naming the emotional actually helps to reduce its intensity. I always thought this was a it was a silly thing to do when someone once said that to me until I actually started to do that, and it really does work, it really helps to soften the impact of that negative emotion and regulating our nervous system. This is something that is now really becoming a thing for me. I love it because I'm really seeing and feeling the benefits of that. And for me, the best way, personally for me, is breath work and a simple technique such as just inhaling in your mouth and out your nose 13 times. Hold your breath on the 13th count as long as you feel comfortable, and then exhaling out the noise. This for me is a powerful, instant reset, very, very powerful. And one thing that I learned along the way as well that really helped me is to reframe the threat. So this is where we shift perspective, and we can remind ourselves that your partner is maybe not necessarily the enemy, and that the goal is to solve the problem together, not to win the argument. You see how just the intention when you are in an argument, what are you trying to achieve with this? Is it to prove the person wrong? Is it to win? Is it to prove yourself worth? What is your intention with the argument? That can already help you to really grab it by the horns and steer it in the right direction by reframing it and understanding the intention that's driving the argument in the first place. Meaning, what do you want to have happen after this? Is it realistic? Is it really going to happen that way? Because we don't sometimes realize that when we're fighting, when we're arguing, we don't always take into account that what we're fighting for is not really deep down what is really truly happening. And sometimes that misdirected frustration, that misdirected anger can come out in arguments and often sometimes verbally volatile ways. So this is where empathy is really important, and that is trying to understand, you know, having that self-compassion, understanding, or at least trying to understand yourself and then trying to understand also the other person's feelings and their point of view, because this reduces the perception of threat, and it can actually build a connection because when we argue, we panic and there's a disconnect. But we're fighting for that connection from a place of panic, especially when the argument escalates unexpectedly. So here it's important to come back to that calmness in the best capacity that you can in that moment, and then reconnect when everything has calmed down. And we already touched on this, and that is to gently address underlying possible issues. Now, that can look like such as maybe resolving trauma, past trauma that's keeping your nervous system in threat mode. Maybe consider you know, therapy or speaking to a mentor or someone that can help you to decode and understand why you feel the way that you do. Because that awareness is going to actually help you to handle conflict and arguments in the future in a more constructive way. Because when we have awareness as to why we feel the way that we do, now we can really start to apply real-time proper solutions that is in alignment with the challenge that you're having. How many times do we apply the wrong solution to the problem because we don't understand the problem well enough in the first place to actually apply the correct solution? And then we want to build emotional safety, creating that environment where both parties can really feel heard and respected, because this is going to reduce the likelihood of defensive reactions. So having said all of that, I do want to just I feel like I want to circle a little bit back. I want to come back to looking at the broader impact of that threat mode. Because this is normally the culprit as to our reactiveness. Because remember, when you're when our nervous system is stuck in that heightened state of arousal, that's when arguments can also escalate. So that chronic stress, looking at what chronic stress do I have in my life that could cause me to feel maybe hyper hyper-aroused and maybe a little bit more sensitive to what is happening around me. So maybe if you have a lot of headaches, if you struggle with digestive problems, maybe fatigue challenges, this can be clear signs that just maybe there is a heightened set of distress in the body that's not being addressed, right? That's really important. Your body's giving you a lot of signs, it's giving you a lot of symptoms. It's just a matter of learning and understanding how we can start to decode that because it places a lot of strain on relationships, that freaking argument, it erodes trust, it destroys intimacy, and it makes it so much harder to maintain healthy connections. And then on top of that, this emotional dysregulation that we struggle with, because I acknowledge sometimes we might feel, well, I'm trying to regulate myself, and now I have to regulate someone else. Right? So it really just depends where on the scale of being upset, are you, on which scale are your partner? It kind of really depends on that, how much capacity we have in that moment to perhaps steer the situation a bit more, or at least steer the situation for ourselves in a little bit more, a healthier direction. Because when you have so much stress in your life and you're just on that autopilot and it's go, go, go, it's going to start to feel much harder to manage emotions because this the stress it creates this um, it's like a vicious cycle, and conflict can very quickly and easily become part of that cycle. Now, beautiful ways that we can start to disrupt these cycles is to at least create and build a safe understanding about how your past experiences is influencing your reactions. Did your parents fight a lot? Was arguing maybe a way of normal communication? A lot of people don't realize that they use arguments as a way to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel acknowledged, because they didn't grow up in a healthy environment where it was shown to them that who you are matters and who you are is worthy of being seen without needing to create arguments, without needing to provoke. And so it's really important is this learned behavior? Is this something that you learned in a previous relationship? What is the hidden language behind these arguments? Because this is how we're going to start to be able to take control of self-regulation, and it's through that emotional awareness that is the ultimate holy grail for really truly nipping arguments in the butt. It's emotional awareness, and then, of course, also to hold that space and create that space for safe communication. Because I notice when I look at clients, like I said earlier, I see it so many times where arguments are not actually used to iron out differences, it's used as a form, um, like some type of language. I even had a client the other day whose where arguments it was their language for love. Because when they were a child, when I needed love, when I needed attention, when I needed affection, their parents would argue with them. Not now, I don't have time now. And so they had to learn when I need love, I have to fight for it, I have to provoke for it. And so that pattern carried over into their lives as adults where they nearly destroyed relationships because of that pattern, because the other partner was like, I don't want to fight all the time, and the other partner's like constantly provoking. So we really had to learn, I had to help teach this person how to change their language for love. But I'm not saying that arguments and all arguments is now going to be the basis of this. However, this is a very powerful example to give you an idea of one of many scenarios of what that could look like. All right, very good. So now, having said all of that, I would love to start a healing meditation with you. And so when you are ready, if you're walking or driving, maybe it's a good time now to press that pause button. And if you are at home, you can now sit comfortably or you can lie down. And let's start by taking a nice deep breath. Very good. One more, beautiful, and when you are ready, you can just also close your eyes if you feel comfortable, and I invite you now to just simply start by focusing on your breath, just noticing as you're inhaling and exhaling, notice how your body is moving with you. And notice now just notice and feel that surface beneath your body holding you, supporting you, and imagining now as well roots growing down your face deep into the earth, anchoring you, really truly anchoring you into safety and stability. I invite you now to notice where tension sits in your body. Perhaps it's maybe in your jaw, it could be in your heart center, in your chest. You might feel it in your stomach. I invite you now to place your hand over that area and breathe deeply into it. Wherever you feel most drawn to place your hand, and with every exhale, imagine releasing the need to defend, prove, or win. You can even imagine a beautiful healing waterfall flowing from your head down your body, out your face, and notice as you are finding yourself there in that healing space, feeling all that residues of arguments gently just dissolving and being washed away by that waterfall, and notice with every inhale, inviting calmness, openness, and compassion. And if you wish, you can repeat silently to yourself, I am safe, I can listen, I can understand. And now in our next step, I invite you to picture yourself, maybe in a recent or maybe this ongoing arguments or quarrels, seeing the person you were arguing with standing in front of you. Now, instead, imagine placing your hand gently on your heart and visualize a soft golden light expanding from your heart to theirs, forming a bridge of compassion, because in some way, somehow, there's a possibility of perhaps misdirected anger, misdirected frustration, and perhaps prior pain and stress that is brought into that dynamic and arguments, and imagine a beautiful white healing light flowing over both of you, bringing calmness and peace, bringing awareness, insight, and understanding. And if you want, you can affirm these affirmations if you wish, such as, I see your pain, even if I don't agree with your words. I choose understanding over conflict. I release the need to be right, allowing that healing white light to gently dissolve the tension between you, and notice this space of mutual respect and calmness coming in, allowing that healing light to continue to flow over you from your head down out your feet. And as you are under that healing waterfall, let's also affirm a few healing affirmations. I release the need to always be right, and I choose harmony within my heart instead. I allow myself to listen with curiosity. Understanding creates bridges and it breaks down walls. I allow myself to pause before I respond. My voice is calm and steady and compassionate. I see the human being behind the words. I value connection more than winning an argument. Each breath brings me closer to peace. I create safety for myself and others in conversations. I trust that calm communication can heal wounds. I allow love to guide my responses. I can speak with kindness even when I disagree. My heart leads me to understanding and respect. Every moment I have the power to choose peace. Very good. And I invite you now taking a nice deep breath. Very good. And just slowly and gently bringing your focus and your awareness back into your body, feeling the surface beneath your body, wiggling your fingers and your toes. And as you're opening your eyes, carrying this sense of calm and understanding with you. And remember that you're not alone, you are healing one step at a time and one breath at a time. And the affirmation for today is every moment I have the power to choose peace. And remember, if this episode touched you, then please share it with someone on their healing journey as well. And as always, breathe deep, listen within, and stay gently curious. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your love and your time. I love you all. And until next time, be the light that you are. Bye everyone.